winter

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my family and i drove up to milwaukee and stayed there for a new year's eve rave. i shared a mickey of jameson with my older sister before going. i remember being inside the uber to go to the rave, and i remember waking up the next day in bed with the worst hangover i've ever had. apparently, i threw up all over the floor at the rave and got my family escorted out at 11:58 pm, so we missed the countdown LOL. i feel extremely sorry for my younger sister, who had to babysit her shitfaced brother and sister the entire time. the next day, we ordered pizza hut and watched the autopsy of jane doe. great movie, i feel like that was the only ghost movie i've ever enjoyed.

before my first day of work, i had the awesome idea of eating little caesar's. would it be anyone surprise if i got food poisoning during my first week of work? trying to listen to some boring ass presentation about safety was 10x more difficult with chills and tremors.

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i had arrived to menasha maybe a week before i started work, and i had plenty of time to take in the scenery; of which everything was blanketed in snow and was in perpetual darkness. the sun rose at 10 am and set at maybe 5 pm. it was difficult to drive without slipping and sliding all over the road. i didn't own a shovel and once had to dig out about a foot's worth of snow out from under my car to buy groceries with nothing but my gloved hand. my neighbor saw me, my texas license plate, laughed and told me to buy a shovel. everywhere seemed dead: walmart, bars, parks, streets. it was like everyone just hibernates during winter. i don't blame them. there was a week in february where everyday, the real-feel was -27 F.

really seemed like the only thing i lived for at this time was to play guitar hero with some 40 year olds at a bar on the weekend, yippee.

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this was my first time living on my own and i had no idea how to meet people. i didn't have college classes to attend, where everybody was my age and in the same sort of life path that i was on, so i decided to try my hand at using dating apps. i've heard horrible stories from my friends, but i've also seen it working out, so why not?

i met this girl on the app who interacted with my video of me skating in a maid outfit. she dressed similarly, but it wasn't for a halloween costume; she was a self-described alt clown girl.

on the day we were meeting, god decided to call up a freak, giant snowstorm. the roads were unsalted and all the cars were going 30 mph on the highway. i think i got to her place after 45 minutes, the drive was supposed to be 15 minutes without snow. the car ride to the mall was plenty awkward, i had no idea how to act or what to talk about and i don't think she did either. last time i talked to a woman romantically was like high school. when we did talk, it was kind of off-color. i remember her telling me that normally she wouldn't go in someone else's car on the first date but she showed my pictures to her parents and they said i was probably a good boy because i'm asian. we got to the mall and we were almost the only people in it at the count of the snowstorm and it being an hour before it closed. we got panda express and i didn't offer to buy her her food because i was scared, oops. we left to get ice cream but everywhere was closed. we walked into a crumbl cookie because we thought they served ice cream; they didn't and we left emptyhanded. then i drove her home. three days later she blocked me.

oh well, abject failure aside, i'm glad i was able to experience and learn from this now and not any later.

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i almost died on the way home like nine times because i was so sleepy, that white monster did absolutely nothing for me. i probably should have pulled over but i'm still alive so whatever.

one of my very good friends sent me a birthday package and i got this hard t-shirt of a pitbull with lightning bolts behind it labeled "LOYALTY" and a lovely note. thank you jack, it meant a lot to me.

we met at bowl 91 and oh, i've never felt like the girl i was talking to was so out of my league. she was well-spoken, funny, tall and very pretty. i invited her to sit next to me in the booth and my voice cracked. she told stories of her family's boat and beach house properties and i told her my stories of babysitting alarming machines at work. i would look down at my bowl and see her out of the corner of my eyes looking at me but i wasn't able to look back. she asked me questions about my favorite foods and i could only answer in single word sentences. she told me about this rock that's scattered all over lake winnebago that glowed orange when you shone a flashlight on it. she didn't know their name but i googled it after and found out that they're called yooperlites, very silly name. i gained some more confidence as the date went on but my anxiety was still terrible. i paid for the meal, unlike last time lol. i'm learning or something...

we walked around downtown after our meal. i wanted to hold her hand as we walked but i couldn't gather the courage to ask. we got on the topic of her being a ballerina when she was younger, the end of the conversation was something like "i didn't think i fit the ballerina appearance", "oh i think you do", "oh yeah? and why's that?". i would have loved to say something about how beautiful she was or any of the other things i really wanted to say but all that came out was, "because you can be whatever you want to be". modern day casanova, i know. there were a few times like that where she was obviously coaxing me into flirting with her and i was able to recognize that, i just really didn't know how to.

while walking, there was a homeless person crashing out and screaming on her side of the sidewalk. we walked past that dude but in my head i was thinking, "you know what i probably should have like switched sides with her". i switched sides with her after passing thecrackhead so i could be closer to the side of the road with cars. but then we promptly turned around on the same street and she was closest to the person tweaking out again. i wanted to just explode and disappear.

the night ended with me walking her to her car. we hugged and i wrote my social security number with the dust sitting on her car. i don't remember the context but i'm sure it was very funny. then she ghosted me.

i don't know if this event made me realize that i had horrible social anxiety or if this gave me horrible social anxiety. probably a little bit of both. i don't think i've ever had problems talking to strangers or giving presentations until i moved here. still, i had a wonderful time with her, even if that probably wasn't so reciprocated.

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something something pizza machine, are you trans, some guy named slappy grilling hot dogs

while practicing my ollies, a little girl approached me and asked, "hello! are you a man or woman or non-binary?". i was wearing high-waisted pants and had hair that went down to my mid-back so i sort of understand her question lol. i didn't really know what to say, i don't know if i was just confused because i wasn't expecting the question or didn't really feel like i would believe myself if i told her i was a man. i just told her i was a dude and she went "okay!". what is a man? am i man because i'm a boy who grew up? i don't feel responsible enough to be a man, and male or female isn't something that i 100% align myself to.